The Jurassic World trailer is here and you should watch it. Or not! But maybe watch it because it’s Thanksgiving week and you’re bored at work.

And now the only reason that you clicked on this, my detailed and nuanced breakdown of the trailer.

  • Bryce Dallas Howard is playing a hybrid of Maude Lebowski and Ellen Ripley. I’d watch a film with Maude Ripley fighting bowling dino-aliens.

Jurassic World Maude Ripely

  • Chris Pratt looks to be playing some sort of vested combination of Muldoon and Alan Grant.
  • I guess Pratt won’t be challenging a velociraptor to a dance off in this movie. Their loss.
  • YO, where the hell is B.D. Wong? He’s the spine of the Jurassic Park franchise. It all falls apart without Wong! I know he’s in this movie and I need my fake science jargon.
  • Ok, this was pretty damn cool. It ate a shark! IT ATE JAWS.

Jurassic World Watersaurus

  • Soooooo they made a supersaurus or something? You people never learn!
  • Still holding out hope for Robo or Ghost Muldoon.
  • What are the odds of a Jeff Goldblum cameo? Pretty significant I’d imagine. He’s in, like, half the 4th season of Portlandia. The Pullout King!
  • Slow piano version of the original Jurassic Park closes out the trailer. It’s still not as good as this: