Fox’s gritastic new Fantastic Four movie is on the way and has begun bombarding us with advertising. While I may have zero interest in seeing it, surely someone somewhere will want to check it out. Miles Teller is awesome in Whiplash, Kate Mara is a pretty good Sue Storm, and Michael B. Jordan was great in Friday Night Lights and The Wire. There’s an ounce of potential here. But, can someone please tell me what is going on with The Thing?

I get that Ben Grimm’s mutated form needs to look realistic and rocky and all. Can we at least give the guy some pants? Look at this!

Pantsless Thing Closer

I’m sure the ever-lovin’ blue eyed Thing will wear pants at some point in the film, but this is the big advertising push! This is Fox saying, “Give us your money to see this Fantastic Four-type movie!” and they give us this horrifying image of The Thing’s all too smooth rock junk. Grimm may be an orange rock monster, but even he deserves some dignity. The Hulk gets pants so we aren’t forced with the sight of what the heck is down there. Dr. Manhattan lacked pants and made us all uncomfortable as he let every blue-tinged inch just swing in the breeze.

Now we are forced to confront the true tragedy of gamma radiation/inter-dimensional travel/dangerous science shit: getting the Ken Doll treatment. Perhaps Grimm’s big loss is the true story of the needlessly realistic attempt at the Fantastic Four. It is a story of impotence. Yes, and hacker D00M thinks he is the ultimate man because he has those internet balls, yet The Thing proves that it is not the penis that makes a true man. Aha!