The lyrics to “Jail House Rap” might be “We in jail because we failed” but I will always think of it as “We in jail because we fat.” That’s the story told in this Fat Boys video from the year of my birth. Yes, the Fat Boys are out of food and need to rob both a pizza place and a Burger King just to fend off THE HUNGER.

Truth be told, it’s kind of amazing.

First off, we’ve got the fat, balding, bearded devil. This is the first shot of the damn video. Hold on to your butts.

Jailhouse Rap Devil

Then we’ve got this whole cadre of ladies walking in. That is one amazing jacket.

Jailhouse Rap Ladies

Now we’re presented with the tragic tale of Prince Markie Dee. I think we’ve all been in his shoes before. You get home and all you want is some pizza. But the damn store is closed! So you grab a shotgun, go in after hours, and stuff your face until you pass out. The Itis is a bitch.

Jailhouse Rap Pizza Galore

Kool Rock-Ski has even more of an everyman tale. All he wanted to do was go to Burger King with his boombox and eat enough food for two families for free. That’s it. The guy forgot his wallet! Look how happy he is to get that food!

Jailhouse Rap Burger King
The American justice system is fucked up. How are you gonna throw the King of Slops in jail? He earned that title at the 1982 World’s Fair in Knoxville, undernearth the Wigsphere! With two of the Fat Boys in the joint, that just leaves the Human Beatbox (R.I.P.), who appears to simply sneak into prison, using his legendary stealth.

Jailhouse Rap Stealth

The Fat Boys proceed to try to sneak out jail using a Monopoly card that the Human Beatbox snuck into a cake. Or something. The video has descended into madness. Prince Markie’s moms reads a letter with half-finished lyrics and then the Beatbox is a big baby.

Jailhouse Rap Letter

Jailhouse Rap Baby

The whole thing ends with the Fat Boys pulling a Johnny Cash at Folsom thing. Or maybe not? I don’t even know. Let’s take a moment to admire their custom made prison duds.

Jailhouse Rap Folsom Prison

Fantastic. You can check out the entire video below. I miss way too literal storytelling rap. Those were better days my friends. Better days.