Game of Thrones is a beast of a show to keep up with. Backstabbing, betrayals, love interests, politics, DRAGONS; there’s just so much to follow. The show returns on April 6th for its much anticipated 4th season. Make note that I refuse to look it up online and haven’t read the books, so there is zero chance of me spoiling the upcoming season for you here. This doesn’t mean that you should go ahead and spoil it for me. Please don’t spoil it for me. I’m an ugly crier.

House Lannister

Tyrion Lannister – The god of tits and wine got hitched to Sansa Stark and is now coming up with all sorts of kooky ways to avoid creepily sleeping with her. Oh Tyrion, you scamp.

Jaime Lannister – He lost a hand, but gained a lifelong friend in Brienne. They skipped and jumped and narrowly avoided rape and bear murder across Westeros as they made their way to King’s Landing. I imagine that Jaime is very excited to get back to his ways of incestuous affairs and throwing children out of windows. No, no, of course not, Jaime has changed!

Via the brilliant Arrested Westeros

Joffrey Baratheon – Still a piece of shit. Here’s Tyrion slapping him set to a 10 minute Led Zeppelin tune.

Cersei Lannister – Awwwww, Cersei got engaged! Sure, it’s against her will to a fairly obvious homosexual, but still, you guys! More weddings!

Tywin Lannister – Much like his horse upon arrival, Tywin shit all over everyone in King’s Landing in season 3. He forced marriages on two of his three children, belittled Tyrion at every opportunity, and was generally an unpleasant man.

Margaery Tyrell – Lady Smirksalot stepped up her manipulation game, and has firmly cemented her place in Joffrey’s cold, dead heart. I’m sure that their upcoming wedding will be a complete success with no problems whatsoever.

House Stark

Robb Stark – He’s got a pretty sweet wolf head now as he marches off to Casterly Rock to…oh no no no no no that was HIS WOLF’S HEAD! Poor Grey Wind didn’t even stand a chance.

Catelyn Stark – She dead. Lady Catelyn had one of the most gut wrenching deaths on a show that excels at wrenching guts. Her anguished cry over Robb’s corpse still haunts me to this day.

Jon Snow – Jon went undercover, got laid, and now has to help the blue balled men of the Night’s Watch prevent an invasion of Wildlings. He still knows nothing.

Arya Stark – Arya bid goodbye to Gendry and Hot Pie (yes, there was actually a character called Hot Pie), but she teamed up with The Hound for the Westeros version of Cop and a Half.