I know your pain, George Lucas. Disney also rejected all of my ideas for a new Star Wars movie. They were all really cool too!

See, it starts out at the celebration on Endor. Everyone’s happy and dancing with bears and shit. And then BOOM. Everyone gets blown up except for Luke, R2, and C3PO. Luke was taken hostage. R2 and C3PO were thrown in the trash.

There’s only one man left to lead the rebellion to true victory. One man with the experience and charisma necessary for such trying times. One big, smelly, fish man.

Admiral Ackbar.

That’s right, the trap man himself. Admiral Ackbar is here to kick ass and eat fish food. And he’s all out of fish food. Watch as Ackbar saves Luke from the remnants of the Empire! Swoon as Ackbar wins the heart of the widowed Jellyfish Queen! You’ll be on the edge of your seat when Ackbar has to cut his way through the Stormtrooper Yakuza. You better make sure you bring a diaper because the action in Star Wars Episode VII: Ackbar Attacks is going to make you shit yourself.

I understand that not everyone wants to see a movie centered around Admiral Ackbar, but I’m still trying to figure out how the fine folks at Disney turned down my second pitch.

Jabba the Hutt’s cousin, Jorba, learns of his cousin’s death at the hands of Princess Leia. Jorba cannot abide this nonsense, and hires five assassins to take out Leia (he could only afford five assassins). Leia just happens to be vacationing on a resort planet post-rebellion, so she’s without her buddies Luke, Han, and Chewy. Just think of every time James Bond had to take out an assassin while on vacation. Now, put Princess Leia blasting space lizard assassins in the face with lasers. Yeah buddy.

But Disney instead threw me out on the street, telling me to sober up and put on some damn pants already. I know your pain all too well, Mr. Lucas.