• I hope you don’t look too deeply into the fact that I flipped over your sofa cushions and left your party without saying goodbye to anyone.
  • Neck tattoos: used to avoid people with them because they may be dangerous. Now I avoid them because I don’t want to hear about their vegan bicycle.
  • CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON!
    *opponent grabs a spiked mace
    * I pick up doo doo on a stick
    * crowd gasps
  • Stop calling it a garage! It’s my dojo, where I do important karate things!
  • Just pacing in front of the candy aisle, waiting for another fat guy to make his choice. It’s common courtesy.
  • Instead of getting your Whoop Ass from a can, might I suggest getting it fresh locally?
  • Shia LeBeouf is the only celebrity that my butthole can pronounce.
  • Folks! Remember this Independence Day weekend to point all fireworks AWAY from our shark infested and flammable shorelines.