I like when we, as a society, choose to ignore the special nuances of the holidays and instead decide to just focus on the simplistic selfish nature of said holiday. For instance, “Fat Tuesday has been boiled down to eating donuts and getting wasted. A time honored catholic based European tradition repurposed for American sensibilities. Well done friends!

Anyway, here’s some Life Hacks that have nothing to do with Fat Tuesday other than that the writer is fat.

  • If I could choose one Super Power, it would be the ability to make someone not know when they have to poop.
  • When a waiter asks you if you have room for dessert just take off your shirt and stare at them.
  • To me, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue means I won’t have to buy cologne for the rest of the year.
  •  Its always a good idea to put a box of condoms in shopping cart of someone with screaming kids.
  • “It” sometimes means diarrhea. For instance when McDonald’s says, “I’m Lovin It!”
  • Now that the Ebola scare is over I think it’s safe to say that we can begin having sex with monkeys again.