• Any song improves exponentially when you replace “girl” with “squirrel”
  • You’d think the nerds at Wizard World would be more open to me photobombing their Avengers pics as “Captain Phillips” but they weren’t. Especially when I told them that I was their captain now.
  • I saw my shadow on Fathers Day, so it’s 6 more weeks of me sitting on my porch shirtless , drinking beer.
  • 5 out of 5 Butt Doctors agree; Stop calling us that, we’re Proctologists!
  • That photo of your french fries really pulled me out of a dark place.
  • Every once in awhile, you meet someone with a real zest for life…and that’s the moment when I slowly reach for my taser.
  • If the bed is rocking, I’m probably just having trouble with a difficult crossword puzzle.
  • Why is it that every time I fantasize about pile driving someone, it takes place at a McDonalds Family Restaurant?