• If a waiter tells me about the specials, it’s only fair I tell them why I’m special.
  • A well timed, “You Go Girl!” Is appropriate in almost every situation.
  • 60% of the time I’m wondering if I have melted cheese on my face or clothing. 40% of the time I’m eating something with melted cheese.
  • If “walk-ins” aren’t welcome at a salon you want to try, ask about “Moonwalk-ins” I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
  • Never brush your teeth when a Metallica song is playing. So much blood…
  • My doctor tells me I have good “turd-bearing” hips.
  • Are you like me? Do you try to jam all of your fast food bags under the car seat so that the current fast food drive through attendant can’t see them?
  • If a cop ever busts you with a prostitute, quickly pop a ring on her finger and say, “Joke’s on you bro, we’re in love.”