• When one door closes another door opens. I really need to fix these kitchen cabinets.
  • Did you ever get called a nerd so bad that you had to take off your Chewbacca mask to show them that you were crying?
  • If no one comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it be?
  • Please! Like you’ve never dropped an elbow, Macho Man style, on a beloved family pet!
  • Can’t believe my neighbor finally confronted me about stealing clothes off his clothesline. I almost shit his pants.
  • Wait, so one can just BUY Klondike Bars in most stores that sell food? Dear Lord what have I done!?
  • If we weren’t meant to drink beer in the shower, what are all of these ledges for?
  • Seis de Mayo is the day that all toilets dread.