• When someone says, “What’s the worst that could happen?” That’s usually my cue to open up this jar of wasps.
  • I’m at an age where I’m contractually obligated to say “Woo” when getting up from the toilet.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you…but it is on the list.
  • My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, but it wasn’t long before they asked me to leave the library.
  • Remember guys, when passing another man in a narrow walkway, it’s hole to hole or pole to pole but NEVER pole to hole!
  • Just once, I’d like to see a baseball manager playfully twirl the phone cord around his finger while calling the bullpen.
  • The courtesy flush is a sign of weakness.
  • That was, by far, the most delicious smoothie I’ve ever thrown at a neighbors kid.