• I hate when people stare at me at the gym like they’ve never seen a bucket of KFC before.
  • I’m not one to brag but I’m told I have “Rest Stop Good Looks”
  • You are never too old to be lured away with candy
  • If NASA had any guts, the team they send to retrieve Astronauts back from space would consist solely of monkeys.
  • In my defense, if she was any kind of decent fortune teller, she should have known I went in her tent just to fart.
  • I’ve yet to see a “30 places to go before you die” list that included a freaking hospital.
  • At any given moment, my mustache is 20% cheese dust.
    1. Post a picture of a newborn baby on Facebook
    2. Don’t respond to any comments
    3. Never mention it again
  • Confession time: anytime my mom gave me something to try on in a department store I would just wrestling flex for a few minutes in front of the mirror and then walk out and say, “It fits.”