Over the last few months, I have spent more hours than any sane human being ever should dealing with customer service representatives. During that time, I have learned one thing: these people would kill it in politics.

Sure, they read from a script most of the time but so do politicians. The ability they possess to say a lot without saying anything is astounding.

Me: “Hello, I have a question about a product you offer. If I buy it outright instead of selling it, do you still support it? Will you replace or repair it if it breaks?”
Support: “We are in support of all of these products!”
Me: “So, you will fix or replace it if it breaks?”
Support: “We firmly stand behind the quality of products.”
Me: “So, you’ll fix it?”
Support: “We happily do everything we can to help that the situation permits!”
Me: “Awesome. Thank you!”

I felt relieve and comforted for all of a minute after the conversation ended.

“Fuck,” I shout at no one in particular after that minute. “They never answered my question.”

Somehow, I felt reassured by them and lured into some false sense of security towards the end of the conversation, no matter how skeptical I was when it started. I tried to break them down and get the truth. They gave me nothing. Fuckers.

By my count from 2015: Big business support people: 20, Marcello: 0.

Are the same people writing these phone and chat support scripts the same ones writing speeches for the politicians we fool ourselves into believing and electing?

I’m starting to think that there’s a bunch of Harvard kids behind it all dicking us from Comcast to the White House.