Baelish Knows Best

Yet again, it looks like Littlefinger is one step ahead of everyone else. He’s responsible for the deaths of Ned Stark, Joffrey Baratheon, and Lysa Arryn. Now, he apparently already knows about Stannis’ troops in the North. If Stannis wins the North, surely he’ll want Sansa and the Stark name to help control it. If Sansa marries Ramsay and Stannis loses, well hey, a Stark under his control is the wife of the Warden of the North. Dude might be a creeper, but he’s very good at what he does.

However, Brienne and Pod are still out there in the hills, watching and waiting. She’s the Wild Card. She’s going to screw it all up. You’re spoiling it, Brienne!



Gay Witch Hunt

The King’s Small Council has been severely reduced, what with Varys on the run, Tywin dead, Littlefinger out and about, and the King busy getting laid 25 times a day. Just how Cersei likes it. She’s running the show, and fires a major shot at Margaery Tyrell when she sics the Faith Militant on Loras. Ser Loras was just having a relaxing afternoon of swordplay, and now he’s stuck in a cell.

This whole series of events really highlights just how young Tommen is, even if he did seem to grow two feet overnight. He doesn’t know how to be a king. He’s also not a monster like his older brother was, so he’s not going to have a bunch of religious zealots slaughtered in broad daylight.

The Faith Militant are going after all the vices in King’s Landing. Be it in a bar or brothel, no decadence is safe. Tyrion really did get out at the right time, this is his worst nightmare. Of course, it was his killing of his father that set this all in motion…

Now, they’re throwing people in prison just for hearing that they’re homosexuals. Things are pretty screwed up in King’s Landing at the moment. Cersei is using fear and religious fervor to get her way. That is truly terrifying.


The Wall

Up at the Wall, Stannis’ forces are still trying to convince Jon Snow to come south with them to retake Winterfell. They tried logic and honor. That didn’t work. There’s only one method left – Jon’s sword. No, not Ice, I was trying to say his penis in a not totally subtle way. Now it’s all ruined.

Melisandre, shy girl that she is, tries the direct approach with Jon by disrobing and straddling him. Most men would cave under this and leave himself susceptible to terrors like dick leeches. Not our Jon! He’s got that dumb old Stark honor.

Something’s gotta budge soon. Jon needs to beg for men from the likes of Roose Bolton, the man who stuck a knife in his beloved brother. Maybe he could go, put a couple of arrows through the Boltons, put Sansa in charge with Brienne and Pod guarding her, come back, and burn up some ice zombies? That’s a win-win-win.

Shout out to Stannis for having a nice moment with his daughter for once. The man does have a heart!


The Adventures of Bronn and the Kingslayer

Bronn and uncle-father Jaime are well on their way to rescue Myrcella from the Sand Snakes. Jaime hasn’t been the same the man since losing his hand (which is a good thing overall), yet that doesn’t mean he’s willing to give up on rescuing his daughter. When the shit hits the fan, Bronn is still taking out as many guys as he did with Tyrion by his side. Still, Jaime finally found a use for that big gold hand, using it to stop a blade. Now he just needs multiple attachments. A crossbow hand, a scoop hand, a knife hand, a Wolverine hand, a spork hand. Swiss army Jaime!

Stealth is not on their side however, as the Sand Snakes know they’re in town. That should be a witty and charming interaction all around.

Queen of the Harpies


Daenerys has seen her grip on Meereen loosen significantly this season. Now it’s a flat out revolt. The Sons of the Harpy made their move, and man, was it a bloody one. Those Unsullied spears aren’t the best weapons in close quarters.


Daenerys’ story has some serious echoes of the American occupation of Middle Eastern countries. People have been disturbed by the white savior ramifications of Dany swooping in to rescue all those people across the sea. Now she’s in over her head as her soldiers are being slaughtered openly in the streets.

Is this the end of Grey Worm and Ser Barristan Selmy? If so, they went down swinging. We’ve seen Grey Worm kick ass on the show before, but I’m not sure Barristan the Bold has ever gotten a proper showcase. This was a grand showing for the old man’s skills with a blade. Even if Ser Barristan made it, he’s going to be out of commission for a while with those wounds. Ser Jorah couldn’t have picked a better time to return with his tiny prisoner. That is if he even has a queen to return to.


Fan Theories 101

Hey, this part is interwebs speculation discussion that might spoil the show for you. Go away if you don’t want to see it. Do not blame me for your enjoyment being lessened!

Okay, we cool? Cool. A big A Song of Ice and Fire fan theory is that Jon Snow is not actually Ned Stark’s bastard, but rather the child of Rhaegar Targaryen and Ned’s sister, Lyanna. Ned would have mentioned that years ago, but he was filled to the brim with honor and Jon’s very existence would have been a threat to Robert Baratheon’s throne. Note Robert’s reaction when he found out Daenerys had hooked up with Khal Drogo. Also note what the Mountain did with all of Rhaegar’s other children.

Why is this significant? Well, Stannis has his doubts about honorable Ned Stark impregnating a side piece, even in the heat of a war. Littlefinger recalls the story of how Rhaegar decided to give flowers to Lyanna instead of his wife, Elia. When Sansa finishes it by saying that Rhaegar then kidnapped and raped Lyanna, Littlefinger merely smirks.

On top of that, Ser Barristan Selmy recalls Rhaegar as the kind of man who liked to walk among the people and sing to them. He didn’t like to fight. He certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of person to steal a woman just to rape her. So Lyanna and Rhaegar run off together. They have a baby. Ned finds his nephew with no parents left in this world. He had no choice. Ned had to adopt Jon as one of his own. You put Ned’s honor, Rhaegar’s love, Melisandre’s attraction to Jon’s power and keen nose for king’s blood, put them in a crock pot with some ale, let it cook for a couple of hours, and baby, you got a Jon Snow stew going!

None of this is confirmed, but this episode sure did hint at it.