Game of Thrones’ fifth season opens by asking us (again), “Who should rule?” Tywin Lannister’s death on the shitter is creating another power vacuum. Should it be Stannis, with his chiseled jawline and strict adherence to the rules? Should it be Daenerys, who will probably, maybe be coming overseas at some point? There’s always Tommen the Seat Filler. He’s a little boy with a hot fiancée, a lovable cat, a super controlling mother, and a one-handed uncle that’s really his father. Just, please, let it be anyone but Littlefinger. It’s going to be Littlefinger, isn’t it?


Cersei’s House

Ah, so there’s more to Cersei Lannister being an overprotective mother than having three of the highest profile children in the land. A childhood prophecy from a swamp witch has Cersei justifiably riled up after the death of her dear, saintly father. One child wore the crown and veil, the youngest now boasts a crown, and her daughter is off in Dorne, a region that isn’t too fond of Cersei after the Mountain turned their beloved Red Viper’s head into oatmeal.

With Tywin and Joffrey dead who does Cersei have left? She blames Jaime for their father’s death. Tyrion was a friendly enemy on the best of days, and now he’s far, far away about to visit one of the biggest contenders for the crown. She doesn’t trust Margaery Tyrell in any way whatsoever. There’s always Grand Maester Pycelle, but he’s about 250 years old. Cersei’s in one hell of a corner. I can’t wait to see how tries to get out of it.


Dwarf in a Box

Tyrion successfully made it out of King’s Landing after committing homicide and patricide and escapicide and finds himself in Pentos with Varys. Tyrion grew a mean hobo beard while he was passing his shit out of an airhole in a box. The Spider’s got big plans to go throw their support behind the mother of dragons, but the half-man has a better plan: drink himself to death. I can’t say I blame him, considering his history. It sounds a lot more fun than having to deal with Daenerys on a daily basis, and he hasn’t even met her yet! I’m actually very excited for these two characters to meet, as I really don’t know what Tyrion will make of Dany. Most people tend to fall right in line with her. Tyrion, especially in his current “future is shit” mode, might be dangled as a light dragon snack if he’s surly with the Khaleesi.


Mancin’ Ain’t Easy

The Wildling army might have been stopped by Stannis and company, but that doesn’t mean things are getting better for old Jon Snow. His Night’s Watch arch enemy Alliser Thorne is in the running to become Lord Commander. Stannis wants his help to use the Wildlings to take back the North from the Boltons. Stannis tends to be a difficult man to say no to, especially when he’s got an entire army and his mysterious red priestess with him.

Jon gives it his best, walking into the room with his hands in his pockets and saying, “Heeeeey Mance. How ya doin’ buddy?” A man like Mance Rayder doesn’t bow. He’s not going to send the free folk down south to fight for some other dude. Helllll no. He doesn’t exactly want to burn to death either, but them’s the breaks.

Jon Snow grew up in a culture where a man who sentences another man to death needs to do the deed himself. Ned Stark wouldn’t burn a man to death, he’d give him a nice quick chop through the neck. It’s slightly better. Slightly. Jon decided to save Mance from being a sacrifice to the Lord of Light with an arrow to the chest. That should go over swimmingly with all parties involved. Classic Snow!

Whatever happens to Jon from here, I’d love to see him go back home and have a bastard battle with Ramsay Bolton. It would have been a snow pun before Ramsay got legitimized 😦


Unsullied Need Love Too

Just because someone cut off their man bits doesn’t mean that someone cut out the feelings of the Unsullied. Wait, it was supposed to mean that? Hmmm, ok. Well, it didn’t work. And now the freed Unsullied are seeing whores for spooning sessions. Deadly spooning sessions. Poor COLOR-ANIMAL NAME. He never truly lived before getting his throat slit by Harpy worshippers.

Daenerys, for all of her inspirational qualities and dragons, is kind of a shitty leader. At least when it comes to the whole transitioning from slave society to freedom under her strict rule. She’s even losing control of her dragons. To be fair, she did chain two of them up and lock them away in a cave. Not great, Dany. Isn’t it clear that the East just isn’t the place for you? Hopefully the arrival of Tyrion and Varys (Tyrarys? Varyion?) will move this story along.


Did Sansa Get Lemon Cakes?

No, but she did get rid of her annoying cousin for a few weeks.