The cast for Star Wars episode VII was formally announced on earlier today. Their roles, however, were not specified.

The returning cast members are obvious. Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, and Kenny Baker will all be back. I am amazed and delighted that they will still be using Kenny Baker inside a trash can robot suit in 2014 to film a movie.

This leaves the rest of the cast open for speculation. There are few things more enjoyable in life than blind speculation.

Adam Driver

The Girls star is the only rumored cast member to actually make it. He’s probably playing a villain. The guy looks like a villain. Will he use the Force for sexual deviancy? Yes, you have to expect that he will. No one cares that it’s a family movie, the Joker killed a guy with a pencil and that was PG-13! Listen to me, I know things.

Andy Serkis

Serkis is a motion capture specialist, so one assumes that he’ll be doing something related to that. He has played King Kong and Caesar from Planet of the Apes, so the possibility is there for a simian wielding a lightsaber. I need to see this. That is, of course, unless he’s playing Sith Gollum. I hope you’re listening J.J. Abrams. The world needs Sith Gollum.

Max von Sydow

He is 85 years old, has been acting since 1949, and is probably playing a villain. I hope they’re all villains and the movie is just relentless scheming and killing Stormtroopers for disobeying orders. I hope von Sydow is secretly playing Grand Moff Tarkin with some overwrought explanation as to how he made it out of the Death Star alive. “Yeah, he uhhhhh…got thrown from the blast into an escape pod. That’s the ticket.”

John Boyega

Judging by the scientific method of looking what order the names were listed in, Boyega is probably playing the lead. I hear Attack The Block was very good. Look, he’s on the next mini season of 24! I obviously know very little about this actor, but he’s probably playing a good guy, and he’s probably going to be a Jedi of some sort. Everyone wants a lightsaber.

Daisy Ridley

I also know very little about her. She’s the second name on this press release, so here’s your female lead. She’s probably our legacy character, and most likely the daughter of Han Solo and Princess Leia. BUT (stay with me here) what if she’s the secret love child of Chewbacca and Leia!? You know those two had chemistry. Stop looking at me like that. THEIR LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL.

Oscar Isaac

He played Standard in Drive, so I imagine Isaac is your roguish Han Solo type in Episode VII. Star Wars just isn’t any fun without handsome Han Solo types. Yes, Han Solo is in this, but he’s probably going to be reading the newspaper a lot and complaining about synth pop or dubstep or something. “Back in my day, we flew around to majestic orchestral themes! And it was wonderful!”

Domhnall Gleeson

He’s in that movie where he gets to go back in time and have better (!!!) sex with Rachel McAdams. He was also one of the Weasley boys in the Harry Potter series. This screams comic relief sidekick type. Clearly he’s playing the best Star Wars character of them all, Nien Nunb. Where’s his solo movie, Disney?


As for the main plot, it remains shrouded in mysterious. My best guess? Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewy have to assemble a new team of Ghostbusters to pay the rent and save New York from the paranormal. I can’t wait.