What is it that you look for in a condom? Ribbed textures? Spermicide? Color? Flavor? The factors that actually determine what separates the best condoms from the worst may just surprise you!

10. A wallet

It is easy to confuse a condom and a wallet as the two items have been made from similar materials like leather or rubber throughout history. However, the shape of a wallet makes it difficult to use as a condom. It simply does not provide enough traction and results in a clumsy experience.

9. Rolling papers

Unlike wallets, rolling papers are easy malleable. Our tests concluded that, beyond any shadow of a doubt, attempting to use rolling papers inevitably leads to origami.

8. A Slinky

The traditional Slinky is made from metal, a material that has been known to cause irritation and, in some cases, abrasion to the skin. A modern Slinky may be made of plastic, which is a less rigid but still uncomfortable material for the act of coitus. This experiment ended in a trip to the emergency room but the Slinky gets some points for presenting the opportunity to giggle while saying, “boing, boing, boing” through the test.

7. Pure gluten


A survey of 200 people showed that 63% of people are actively avoiding gluten while 97% of them could not describe what gluten was. 0% of people agreed to test pure gluten as a condom. Therefore, it had to be included on this list.

Pure gluten. Definitely not a condom.
Pure gluten. Definitely not a condom.

6. Hollowed out trunk of a sequoia

A giant sequoia, also known as Sequoiadendron giganteum, is roughly 20′ in diameter, which would allow a bevvy of sexual partners to completely pass through it without any resistance whatsoever. Statistically speaking, using the hollowed out trunk of a sequoia as a condom is slightly less effective contraceptive than withdrawal.

5. Marshmallow Fluff

Marshmallow Fluff is an interesting bonding agent that, if used properly, can be effective. It is impossible to use properly, though, according to the cast of Ghostbusters.

4. Matzo

Matzah can be quite porous and frail. A bowl of soup with matza balls, on the other hand, ranks as one of the 10 best condoms currently on the market.

3. A 1987 Chrysler LeBaron

Image via the Internet Movie Cars Database (for realsies)
Image via the Internet Movie Cars Database (for realsies)

45% of all people between the ages of 20 and 28 were conceived in a 1987 Chrysler LeBaron. You simply cannot argue with science.

2. String cheese wrapper

The string cheese wrapper showed significant promise early on in tests but consistently ended like a round of pop goes the weasel.

1. A vagina

Through the selfless act of offering her body to science, Lindsay Lohan was able to help prove that, over thousands of experiments, a vagina makes for a terrible condom. The risk of impregnation and spreading STDs was through the roof, as demonstrated by the Lohan test results.