We’re almost at the end of the road. Our long, mild, national nightmare is almost over. There is only more episode left in True Detective season 2.

The old detecting gang sure have gotten into some hijinks over the last 7 weeks, living through mildly traumatizing shootouts, stabbing people at classy orgies, and doing cocaine-fueled pullups. Now they’re in it deep, after finding all those contracts with all of those signatures. Woodrugh might as well have said, “WOW, look at all of this evidence!” last week.

The law is after our law enforcers now. Bezzerides is wanted for stabbing that guy after her Molly freakout. Velcoro is wanted for killing the task force leader because of course he is. For the record, the way he discovered Katherine Davis’ body cracked me up. He just sits down in the car next to her, all about business and HOLY SHIT SHE’S DEAD. Zoinks Scoob, let’s get outta here before the 5-0 wrongfully accuses me of murder! Say what you will about this season, Ray Velcoro is gold.

Bezzerides spends most of the episode on the lam or making the worst decision of her life: trying to sleep with Ray Velcoro. Old Velcro initially brushes her off, but eventually succumbs because of course he does. They’re just two broken people in this broken world looking to feel something for a minute. It is oh so beautiful.

Woodrugh, while he isn’t accused of murdering anyone, has some big problems of his own. Someone is blackmailing him with pictures of him making out with a guy. Oh no! Look, Paul, I know you really want this wife and baby and white picket fence life, but maaaaaaybe letting someone blackmail you with these photos in 2015 isn’t the wisest idea. Has it ever been explained just why Woodrugh is so afraid of who he really is? Did Lucious Lyon also throw him in a trash can when he was a little kid?


Woodrugh knows he’s walking into a trap. Perhaps he only does it so he can unmask some of the people behind the conspiracy. Perhaps he does it because a sewer escape from a team of mercenaries is a good way to end the second to last episode of a season of television. Hey look, the merc leader is that one police cop with the weird hair!

Police Chief Holloway and his gang of white mercs royally screw up the meeting with Woodrugh, thinking he would bring all of those contracts with signatures to the meeting with him. They then somehow let him get away and kill all of them in the process. I guess Woodrugh is just that much of a badass. Sadly, just when he looks like he’s in the clear, the other weird cop in Vinci, Lieutenant Burris, steps out of the shadows and kills him. Well, I assume he killed him, you apparently never know with True Detective.

That leaves us with Frank, who is just so over everything. The mob revamp, it just hasn’t worked out too well. Now that he found out his number two betrayed him, Semyon is ready to punch his ticket outta town. It just so happens that this ticket is written in gas and flames.

Semyon not only wants his money back, he doesn’t want to leave anything behind for the guys bumping him out. He merrily blows up all the clubs that Israeli-Russian Osip is “allowing” him to manage. Osip better pop back up in the finale vowing revenge. You don’t just bring in Timothy V. Murphy to just show up in a handful of scenes and do nothing.

Now on to the finale, which is 90 damn minutes for some reason. Here is a list of demands:

  • 20 minutes of Velcoro and Bezzerides on the bender to end all benders.
  • Ghost Woodrugh finally comes out of the closet.
  • Semyon laughs at a guy while eating a sandwich, rudely spraying food on said guy.
  • Velcoro’s fat ginger not-a-son gets the Friends box set he’s been requesting from his not-a-dad for years.
  • Nic Pizzolatto sends Cary Fukunaga a really nice fruit basket.
  • Velcoro snorts enough cocaine to propel himself to the top of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, where he has to beat a man to death with his shoes.
  • Bezzerides gets knife hands.