Hi all, here is some filler to avoid any spoilers that might show up in even the preliminary description. That is if everyone hasn’t tuned out already. How was your 4th? Yeah, I know, that’s way too many hot dogs! Classic Mark. Oh, we’re good now? Lettttttttt’s go!


Die Another Day

Well, I sure do look dumb. I suppose assuming that Ray Velcoro taking multiple shotgun blasts meant that Colin Farrell’s character was definitely dead was foolish. This is TV! Dead isn’t dead until you see the character physically rotting in the ground or pulled apart into many bloody pieces by a horde of zombies. It’s a shame, killing one of the stars of the show this early would have been a daring move. Human roadkill Ray Velcoro is still alive, but why?

Clearly whatever the hell is going on with guy in the crow mask wants old Velcro to stick around.  Maybe it’s Dick Cheney under the mask, seeing as he is known for shooting men he knows with painful, non-lethal ammunition. Okay, enough with the easy, crappy jokes. Velcoro is the crooked cop any good criminal conspiracy wants in the mix. Of course they’re going to keep him in the land of the living. Stupid Steve, this is why you don’t assume.

Velcoro still has quite the air of doom about him. Before he awoke, he dreamed that he was dead in a bar with his pops and a shitty Elvis impersonator. His health is abysmal. If his son is taken away, he really has nothing left but the job. This just screams “road to redemption”. Redemption road is a well-traveled crowd-pleasing path. The noir genre could go either way. The main detective usually ends up dead or gets an ending that leaves a sour taste in his mouth as a result of his trying to make things right. I really can’t see Velcoro getting a happy ending. He sure doesn’t deserve one.


Vinci Vaughni Vinci

Man, you can tell Vince Vaughn really wants to make this thing work. He wants that McConaughey boost. Vaughn is doing okay with what he’s been given. I was hoping for a sleazier character. Frank Semyon is more in the vein of a Michael Corleone or Stringer Bell, looking to escape his foundation of violence and go legit. It’s a role that doesn’t play to his strengths. Casting Vaughn in something like this requires some of that charm that made him so good in Old School and Wedding Crashers.

Semyon did finally get the chance to get his hands dirty this week, beating down a disrespectful crime associate and ripping out his grill. It’s a classic mob power move, from Al Capone speaking about his love of baseball to the Joker making a pencil disappear. You’d think this would be what Semyon finally needs to get an erection for his wife, but nope, the violence doesn’t do it for him anymore. Hmmm, another man with a violent past suffering from erectile dysfunction. I’m sensing a bit of a pattern here…


Woodrugh and Bezzeridestein

The rest of the episode featured Woodrugh (official nickname for blogging purposes is now Woody) and Beezer doing stuff. Look, I’ll be honest, I kind of zoned out during a lot of this. They went to the mayor’s mansion and some lady was thrown into a pool and the mayor got real mad. Terrific. That was stuff that happened.

And then Woody went to some thing with some guy and got upset with him. I initially took it as he didn’t want to talk about his past with Blackwater or whatever, but Wikipedia’s synopsis claims it’s because he hit on him or something. Hey. HEY. Woodrugh is a man who gets blowjobs from actresses and has lots of sex with his hot girlfriend. TESTOSTERONE! What does he do next? Woody follows this all up by investigating the wonderful world of whoring.

That leaves us with the Beezer. That guy that had the uncomfortable sex thing done to her in the pilot came back and wanted to talk about his feelings and junk. Nope, Bezzerides isn’t having any of that. YOU GET THE HELL OUT!



She is also told to sleep with Velcoro to gain his trust. That is way beyond the line of duty. Can you imagine how many STDs that guy has? She’d have to cover her body completely in rubber to just have a chance at not catching something from Velcoro. He does save her from getting hit by a truck at the end, so that’s nice.


Blah blah blah

  • The whole Velcoro in the bar of the afterlife dream scene had a very Twin Peaks vibe about it. That combination of goofy, weird, and creepy is something the show needs more of. I like my True Detective with some mystical mystery, dammit! More weird foreshadowing please.
  • Nic Pizzolatto really, really hates e-cigarettes,
  • According to Vulture, that whole thing with the film director was a swipe at season one director Cary Fukunaga. They also seem to like Pizzolatto about as much as he likes e-cigarettes.
  • Bezzerides seemed surprised that Velcoro smelled like piss. I can’t imagine there’s ever a time that he doesn’t smell like urine. Dude drinks a bottle of Scotch a day.
  • Listen, my associate Eyeball and I have been talking about, and we don’t think Velcoro’s wife’s rapist is the guy that Semyon handed over. We think it’s the henchman with the big red beard (pictured at the top). Because gingers is why.