Oh, thank Jeebus, we’ve finally reached the end of SoCal police investigate the great jewel heist of 1992. That’s what was going on, right? And something about the trains. Who the hell knows. True Detective season 2 has come and gone like a tornado consisting of cigarette smoke and cocaine.
Thusly, an odd season of WTF television ends with a WTF finale. Crooked Cop B (the creepy white guy) picks up the now deceased Woodrugh’s cell phone and makes a deal with Velcoro to meet at the big, shiny Anaheim train station. Ray Velcoro comes in the least conspicuous outfit he owns.

Incognito Velcoro (image via HBO)

That’s about as subtle as Apu Nahasapeemapetilon’s American citizen disguise.

Apu NY Mets

A bunch of bloody stuff happened, including Crooked Cop A (the one with the weird hair) getting stabbed and shot to death as he’s attacked the guy in the crow mask. Not while we was wearing the crow mask, though. No, stop nodding off. This is interesting. Drink some coffee, you jerk.

Velcoro and Bezzerides regroup at Ray’s second home: the most depressing bar in the world. They make a plan to go to Venezuela after blasting some mofos in a shadowy cabin with shotguns. That was kinda cool.

Ultimately, Frank and Ray miss the boat because they get caught up tying up loose ends. Semyon’s Mexican standoff with actual Mexicans comes back to bite him in the ass. There really was no way Frank was making it out of this alive. The man had too much pride to go down without blowing shit up. His walk through the desert of those he’s trampled over on his way to the top is one of the genuinely interesting visuals that True Detective’s second season has conjured up.

Velcoro’s love for his ginger nightmare ends up being his undoing. He goes to visit little…um…Chad? Yeah, Chad! Ray visits Chad one last time and sees that the kid is carrying his grandpa’s badge with him everywhere he goes. The two share a swell little salute before Ray goes his tearful way. He’s just 40 minutes away, it’s all going to just fine. Wait, what’s that gigantic black box under Ray’s car? Well, that just happens to be the largest transponder in human history. The black ops guys might as well have spray painted a notice on the Velcar that they’re following him.

Velcoro decides to make his last stand in a forest of California redwoods while attempting to upload one last message to Chad. What better place to upload a message than a forest with some of the tallest trees in the world. No one ever claimed Velcoro was a tech whiz, or even smart. Eventually, Ray goes down for the count, his final message not delivered. Thankfully, that big old bar in the sky has all the whiskey he’ll ever want.

Ray’s trip to visit his son was not in vain, as the paternity test his ex-wife opens at the end says RAY IS THE BABY’S FATHER in giant bold letters. Yes, it was all worth it.

Ray ended up being the manliest man of all the manly men. Not only was his child proven to really be his child, but he got Ani Bezzerides pregnant after sleeping with her once. Velcro Ray strikes again!

It all ends with Bezzerides handing the evidence over to a journalist and disappearing further into Venezuela with Jordan Semyon and Ray Velcoro II. I bet that baby has already developed a coke habit.


Blah blah blah

    • The scene in the Anaheim train station marks the one time this season I’ve been able to go, “Hey, I’ve been there!”. Sadly, there was not a bloody shootout when I passed through.
    • Frank Semyon’s aforementioned desert stroll down memory lane reminded me a lot of the River of Sorrow from Metal Gear Solid 3.
  • Aww, Woodrugh got a highway named in his honor. I’m very excited to take a ride on the Blowjob Memorial Highway.
  • “That guy was a f–, right?” What year is this!?
  • “Honestly Ray, nobody an idea you were this competent.”
  • Vince Vaughn’s new claim to fame: getting stabbed for refusing to give up his suit.
  • That wasn’t the worst season of television that I’ve ever seen, but it might be the most disappointing. The worst probably belongs to Heroes. Why, oh why did I watch Heroes for so long?