The Walking Dead returned for its sixth season last night. Sixth! Time sure does fly when you’re watching people get eaten alive.

When last we left the Dead crew, Rick had lost his mind for the 3rd or 4th time and shot a man in the face during an Alexandria town hall meeting. I mean, the guy deserved it, that’s for sure. The timing wasn’t ideal, however, given that his old buddy Morgan (oldest buddy at this point!) had just come in from the wilderness. This season is being set up as Morgan V. Rick: Dawn of Drawn-Out Angst. Ah screw the angst complaints, Lennie James is great and it’s great to see him return as a regular on this show.

 

Rick Versus The Zombie Quarry

This season we find Rick Grimes, Grimey to his friends, taking the offensive in Alexandria. His first major move is to take a massive herd of zomb-WALKERS that have gathered in a quarry and lead them somewhere else, like the ocean or an undead singles resort.

Not everyone is wild about this insanely risky plan. The opposition is led by Carter, who has apparently been hiding under a porch or writing a novel out in a shed somewhere because I would have noticed Ethan goddamn Embry in the crowd before now! He’s Nick Papagiorgio! He has drug induced dreams about GWAR!

 

 

Carter is being a real dick about Rick’s plan. He wants to reinforce the barriers on their zombie quarry. Rick’s got no time for that. He’s a man of action, who needs to put everyone in danger so he can have a 100% absolute solution to his problems. I mean, if I had an eyepatch-clad maniac repeatedly attack my surrogate family and multiple zombie break-ins to my adopted homes, then I would feel the same way.

The Zombie 5k is going fairly well until Carter decides that he is good enough to contribute on his own and take on those pesky living dead. He volunteers for the front of the line only to find that ohhhhhh noooooo an unaccounted for zombie!

Photo by Gene Page/AMC
Photo by Gene Page/AMC

And thus ends the extremely short-lived Carter saga. I’ll always remember the time he was plotting against Rick and heard Eugene nervously fall into a shelf of food and almost shoot the mulleted wonder. Good times. Eugene is the Steve Urkel of the Walking Dead universe. I wonder if he’ll build a machine to release his inner Stefan Urquelle.

Rick puts an end to Carter in his usual brutal because THIS IS HOW THE WORLD IS NOW way and it seems like the day has been saved. Ha, the day is saved? No way, this is The Walking Dead. Some jerk back in Alexandria is laying on a horn like they’re stuck in rush hour traffic and needs to get to a toilet ASAP. Laying on the horn like that never helps traffic, come on now.

 

Black and White

“First Time Again” features flashbacks throughout the episode, filmed in black and white. I have to say, I dig ‘em. AMC has shown The Walking Dead remastered in this format previously and they look great. I wish the entire show was filmed in black and white. That’s not going to happen though. This sucker appeals to a mass audience. ‘Murica isn’t watching a show in black and white on a regular basis!

 

The Saga of Squirrelly Larry

Remember that guy that almost killed Glenn last year? You know, the one that also got Noah killed in the revolving doors of death? I looked it up, his name is Nicholas. I have been calling the guy Squirrelly Larry. A big part of the season premiere consisted of Glenn, Maggie, and Tara learning to forgive and trust Squirrelly Larry.

See, Squirrelly Larry is a classic screwup. In a comedy, Glenn would put his hands on his hips, look at the camera, and say, “Oh, Larry, you screwed up again! And now five more people are dead!” He’s a live action Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

But Squirrelly Larry did good this time! He got to stab some zombies and save a guy. Good for you, you old screwup you.

Now that he’s received some minor redemption, I’m fully expecting him to die next week.

 

Blah blah blah

  • It honestly took me a few minutes to remember everyone who died last season.
  • Zombies love flares. I wonder if The Walking Dead crew will ever find that fireworks factory that will lead the undead masses away for good.

  • Abraham went a little manic crazy guy on us, with his jog through the zombie herd. I like it.
  • I do not like the self-awareness of Eugene’s mullet. I don’t want it to be ironic! Now I want someone to shave his dumb head in the middle of the night.
  • Who is the person who went to all of the trouble of screwing up the zombie herding project? Was it the self-loathing mayor? Or that guy? My money’s on one of Alexandria’s emo teenagers. You adults just don’t understand my hormones so I’m going to get us all killed! Teenagers, can’t live with ‘em, can’t leave them to get eaten to death in the wilderness.
  • Comic readers! How soon before the next you know what moment happens to you know who? No, not that one, the other one.