When did you stop watching Heroes? For many people, it was in the middle of the second season. Like the worst sequels, it told the same story that it did the first time, but in a less compelling way. Maybe it was the third season. There was that one really good episode where Bryan Fuller returned and made things right with the world. That was a fleeting moment. A drop of water in Turd Lake.

Heroes went right back to its craptastic self in a season that seemed to last forever. Perhaps you, like me, made it as far as the evil circus of season 4. That was the last straw, and not only because I find clowns inherently creepy. Heroes was completely unwatchable. The plot lines were slow and meandering. Nothing made sense. Worst of all, nothing was interesting.

Heroes was a of fun for a few minutes before it was no fun at all. No one liked it by the end. Did you watch it all the way through? You’re a trooper. I cannot remotely understand why NBC would want to resurrect this withered corpse of a show. It’s not the X-Files exploring life after its own prophesied alien apocalypse. On its best day, Heroes was a fun show that repurposed X-Men storylines for a mass audience. But OK, let’s accept that NBC wants to:

  1. Capitalize on the popularity of superhero movies
  2. Bring back a once proven commodity

Great. Terrific. Whatever. If you’re going to do that, then you might as well start fresh. It’s such a universal concept that the series was once intended to be an anthology, focusing on a different group of people each season. It looked like there were going to do it for (the unfortunately namedHeroes Reborn. But then they decided to bring Jack Coleman back. Ok, fine, I guess. Now they’re bringing Masi Oka back, even though his time traveling ability gave Heroes writers more headaches than the gallons of whiskey they had to drink to write a single episode. I’m sure Ali Larter is patiently waiting by her phone. SOON.

That once proven commodity point worms its way in. Yes, yes, people love nostalgia. The aforementioned X-Files is coming back. Even COACH is coming back! So of course desperate NBC execs think people want Heroes back, even though it slunk off the air only five years ago. Maybe it’s time to reboot The Cape while they’re at it! They can air it with the gritty update of The Love Boat and Gilligan’s Island 2099.